I had a conversation with my daughter recently about family. I told her why I make allowances for some relatives and that I felt a weight lift once I realised they were never going to change. She asked why I wouldn’t hold them accountable and I haven’t been able to stop replaying this answer in my head since.
I explained that my choice to forgive and move on, without any closure or apology, was based in my want for a relationship with those people. There comes a point where you recognise you will never get that ‘sorry’ or that explanation you need and you have to make a choice. Either you cut that person off or you let it go. The latter is harder than it sounds and it doesn’t work as long as you’re holding on to hope that the person will change - I know this from experience.
If you want to keep that connection, the only side you have control of is yours. I say this as someone who does have family she no longer sees. I am not averse to no-contact, but I know my line and where my regrets would lie later. I’ve been guilty of saying, ‘this is everyone’s first time on earth’ to excuse poor behaviour and justify things I have forgiven, but what message does that send to my children?
I’m very open with my kids so we aren’t privately pretending all is well, but am I teaching them to accept toxic relationships?
I saw something online the other day, where the poster was asking why there was a sudden surge in kids cutting off their parents. I don’t believe that’s the case at all. I think it’s always been common but nobody talked about it. My husband, mother and best friend all have immediate family members they haven’t spoken to in years (some, decades) but they didn’t raise the topic in conversation because the automatic response is always, ‘oh but it’s your family’. Now it seems to be more socially acceptable to say you no longer speak to your Mum or Dad or Sister - whatever your reason.
One of the items on my bucket list for this year was to go and see a motivational speaker. I’m very in to self development and have analysed myself - along with some external counselling - to death over the years. It felt like the next logical step was to watch someone tell me how to improve my life on a stage.
I was beyond excited to get tickets to see Mel Robbins in London with Emma. When we got there, Mel asked the audience how many had come alone and the number of hands that shot up made me cry immediately. That’s another story, I cry all the time, but the idea that so many people - mostly women - wanted to be there so much they came alone really touched me. We truly are all seeking something, I really believe that.
Her best-selling book is based on her ‘Let Them’ theory and I’ve seen this lauded and picked apart online in equal measure. At face value, it does appear that you are accepting poor behaviour and letting people treat you badly but that really isn’t the thought behind it. It’s more about letting go of the weight you’re carrying. How many of us feel responsible for other people? I’m not talking about your children, your adult friends and family.
I’m planning a little dinner party at the moment and now that I no longer drink, I recognise the amount of time I spent making sure every possible cocktail combination was available for my guests in the past. I would spend countless hours squeezing lemons and making garnishes because I wanted the full bar experience. I truly don’t think anyone ever appreciated it. Who was I doing it for? I was trying to control the perception and the enjoyment of people who were absolutely happy bringing their own bottles of prosecco.
There are two things at play here.
1. Let them bring the drink they want
and 2. Let them not care about the effort you’ve made.
I don’t mean to say they were ungrateful - far from it - but when you choose to put in a lot of time to something, you are not owed an equal response. Gift giving season is approaching and this is a very good lesson to remember. I have given gifts in the past that were so thoughtful and considered and the person just never used them. They were grateful, of course! They thanked me.. but I know they didn’t receive them with the same energy they were gifted.
AND THAT’S OKAY!
If I’m at a family event, I’m always on edge, waiting to balance conversations or catch arguments before them occur. My kids used to get on at me for this one. They’d be playing and I’d cut them short - because I knew the patterns, it was 5 minutes away from a fight - but why? I am not responsible for everyone else’s comfort, I am not responsible for everyone else’s emotions, I do not have to control every situation I’m in - I can just be there.
That should be my daily affirmation.
These are minor examples, of course, but this is what I took away from the ‘let them’ theory.
Let people behave however they choose and from there, you can decide who you spend your limited energy on. It doesn’t mean you have to let people treat you badly but, in my personal situation, there are people who have done things I wish they hadn’t and I have accepted that they do not see it that way. We will never agree and so either we part ways or I let it go. Some people are not worth holding on to but, as I said to my daughter, I am choosing to close the door on the issue rather than the person. In this case, let them be wrong.
Ultimately, it comes down to which will cause more sleepless nights. Is it the closure you never received or the person you don’t see anymore. Having lived both sides of that coin, neither is fun but removing the weight of that responsibility, letting that person be - whatever your choice was - is the healing element. I’m not religious but always liked, ‘let go and let god’. It’s the universes problem now.
I have always told my kids that if I’ve upset them, I want to know. I don’t want them replaying things I said in their heads til they’re 40. I will always apologise. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, denying a conversation or reframing an event to put you in a better light never helped anyone. You know, they know, that’s unnecessary tension. A lot can be fixed with sorry, even if you didn’t think you did anything wrong. But if it’s not coming from that person in your life, you have to make a choice. It’s freeing either way.
