The First Pancake Theory
why failing makes you better at life
You must have heard people say, '“you always throw out the first pancake”, right? Well this week, I’ve had a lot of ‘second time around’ thoughts and with pancake day looming, I couldn’t resist the simile.
I’ll kick us off with the most controversial to lose those of you who don’t like this theory early doors. I’m on my second marriage, so is my husband. I believe in my bones that I am a better wife to my second husband than I was to my first. This isn’t because I’ve become a pushover or I was thoughtless before but I learned a lot about what I didn’t want it my earlier relationships and by the time I married my current husband, I knew exactly what kind of partner I needed.
I’m losing some of you already, I can sense it. If you’re happily married to your high school sweetheart and rolling your eyes at my making lemonade from my first failed attempt, hear me out before you leave.
You can have multiple relationships with the same person. If you decide something isn’t working and you want to change things, that doesn’t have to mean starting over with someone new. If both parties are willing, you get to pour that second pancake together.. and third and eighth.. however many you need to get to where you want to be.
What had this idea baking in my brain at bedtime was a minor flood caused by my youngest teen. I was cooking dinner when suddenly the lights went out and I heard a gush of water. Initially I thought something was happening outside the house. Our neighbours have complained about drainage issues recently and I thought something had finally caught up to us.. but that lasted a millisecond before I remembered, my son was running a bath.
When he realised, he ran in shouting, ‘I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry’ and I didn’t really react. I was that kid, I am still that woman who does things like this. If I had to place a bet on who would have been the first to do this, my money would have been on me. With that in mind, I have also suffered the wrath of many a disappointed adult in my time and I was instantly conscious of how he felt and the importance of my response. I told him I wasn’t angry but we needed to find as many towels and absorbent materials as we could. There was water gushing through 2 light fittings downstairs and we lost power to half of the sockets in the house. I can’t pretend I wasn’t terrified of the potential damage and cost but getting mad wasn’t going to solve anything.
2 days later, the sockets are back, the ceiling didn’t sag and, although we do not yet have lights, I am the co-owner of a candle business and so we have an abundance of old timey light sources. What luck!
My husband got home and I did all of my usual tricks to diffuse the tension, and rather than scream in to a pillow (as I had suggested) he got to work on solutions for food storage and extra long extension cables to facilitate the wifi from the half of the house that was still connected, to the half that was not. That allowed me to let a little air out of my stress balloon and pass the ‘action’ baton to him.
You know that annoying phrase, ‘this is your parents first time living too’ doing the rounds on social media? Well, true.. but that’s no reason for bad behaviour to go unchecked. We’re all learning and (hopefully) improving as we go. How can we expect to be great the first time at anything? Give them a couple more pancakes to get it right but some acknowledgement for the ones that didn’t make the cut should be expected.
Given that my first go at parenting started when I was just 19, it was a given that I’d need a minute but the pressure is even higher when so many people are expecting you to screw it up. I’d like to think the one thing I got down was apologising when I was wrong and recognising my own triggers and weaknesses. As an eldest child myself, I know we’re the starter. We had a harder go because we got the trainee parents. So I also know that my son has a better mother than my daughter had. I am now an experienced parent. I have done all the wrong things and know what to avoid. I also know my own mind better and how I need my partner to support me.
When the great flood of 2025 occurred, I was quiet. The best thing I could offer in that moment was calm action. Inside I was scared and so I needed my husband to be calm so that when Milo went to bed, I could tell him that everything was falling apart and unfixable he wouldn’t pile on. 10 years ago, this would have been a very different week. There might have been (stifled - we have never shouted at each other) raised voices, there might have been door slamming, there might have been tense silences for days. We didn’t have the communication we have now.
Now I know, job one is a temperature check. Let’s diffuse this situation til it’s more manageable. Nobody needs to lose their head only to have to apologise later. It’s not productive and unnecessary stress cause me physical pain so, let’s not. Nobody was hurt, we don’t even know how bad it is yet, Dad’s figured out a way to get the internet working, let’s go to bed and worry about it in the morning. This is classic second pancake behaviour.
At 39 I pride myself on showing up as my authentic self in all things. I’m not masking or changing to fit anyone else’s wants and needs. I am a better version of myself than I was at 29. I’m a better mother, I’m a better wife, every relationship is better, because when that first pancake failed, I didn’t decide I couldn’t make pancakes, I tried another one. Every one I pour is better than the last.
The moral? You don’t always have to throw out the batter and start from scratch, you just have to want to keep trying. You haven’t failed until you’ve given up.