I consider myself a pretty self-aware person at this point in my life. I recognise (though do not always voice) my insecurities and personality flaws, I rally against my instinct to cut people off and try to be a little ‘less loud’ in new settings. My son asked me recently what my biggest insecurity was. I think he was expecting a physical attribute but my answer was, I think I’m really annoying. Unfortunately, knowing why you feel the way you do doesn’t always help.
I wrote about the flag displays recently and if you read that, you won’t be at all surprised to hear that I am a highly sensitive person. Over time I’ve learned that I need to avoid or remove myself from situations where that sensitivity will be triggered, if I am feeling particularly fragile. Sometimes I can sit and listen to something awful, other times I excuse myself to cry in the bathroom. I used to love twitter. It was my favourite platform because I’d collected a community of funny, interesting people who I wanted to hear from and chat with. If you were a twitter user in the late 2010’s you will remember when things took a turn but that was one of those times when I had to say, that’s not a good place for me anymore.
So then how are we highly sensitive people supposed to survive this current media climate? It’s not just the news, every social platform is a different version of the headlines now. There is no escape. Yesterday a right-wing activist was shot and I was surprised but not *gasp* surprised, then, moments later I saw that he’d been killed and my heart sank. I realised that I have become so used to shocking headlines that I’ve numbed myself, almost convinced it’s not real. The finality of death shook me and said, this is actually happening.
This morning the news flooded every timeline with more division. Quotes from the deceased, used as reasons to celebrate his death, others calling for empathy, all using the event as another political argument. I have nothing to say about them or about the man who died but I did think, ‘that’s not a good place for me anymore’.
Of course, I’ve created an income online, I run a small business that needs to social media to thrive (survive, even) and so I can never shut it all down but man, would I love to. It didn’t used to be like this. You could shield yourself from some of the awful but now, it’s everywhere. I understand we have a duty to be socially active and aware of the issues but I long for the days of newspapers and landlines at times like this.
Because I can control nothing else, I’ve decided to challenge myself to only contribute positively to social media for the rest of the year. My top trigger is cruel comments directed at other people. I have to intervene but moving forward, that can be a supportive comment to the target rather than an argumentative retort to the troll. The more I engage with things that upset me, the more of it I’ll be served and so as part of my bid to kick off my next decade on the best footing possibly, I’m going to try to rewire that algorithm.
I know.. head in the sand isn’t the answer but for me, it is. I cannot read about another school shooting.. I will drown in my own tears. I have triggered depressive episodes after watching too many documentaries on the bounce. I wish I could be that person but I am not.
I had another conversation with my son (we’re in the car a lot) about the flags. I try to be as magnanimous as I can so I explained that not everyone who displays them does so for the same reasons. I also said that my personal reaction to them doesn’t have to be his, I wouldn’t want that for him. I should be able to see a bit of fabric, think, ‘tossers’ and move on with my life. It spurred on a conversation about other reactions and how some people are upset by things others aren’t and that both are totally valid.
Ultimately, this is who I am. I hate it sometimes but it also makes me kind and empathetic, and it’s why I want to see the good in everyone. I want to believe most people can be redeemed. No bad people, only good people who do bad things. I’m an irrational optimist. So although I’m not the strong, ‘take to the streets’ woman I hoped I’d be, when those people are beaten down and are ready to give up, they need hope - and that I can do.