Do All Men Hate Their Wives?

The weird dynamic I had to explain to my daughter as she entered the workplace

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

There’s a trend in the office, isn’t there? If someone mentions their partner, it’s almost always accompanied by some irritation or negative remark. Rarely do you hear men or women praising their other halves in tales of their home life - why is that?

When my daughter started work I explained this to her. It seemed, on the surface, as though it was the norm to dislike your spouse. Surely not every marriage is an unhappy one, she thought. It’s not. I can confirm, I am not unhappily married. Not only do I love my husband but I have very few complaints I could make about him, if pushed. What’s even weirder is that feels like a flex. The kids would call it ‘glazing’… it sounds like I’m bragging about my relationship, but shouldn’t that be how every married person feels??

It makes me feel uncomfortable to say I like my husband. I enjoy spending time with him and I’m not annoyed by him. The question is, when did it become the in thing to complain about your other half rather than praise them? I have to imagine it’s ‘banter’ and shared experiences that drove us here. If someone told you their wife was fantastic, how would you respond? It feels a bit icky at best and the end of the conversation at worst. If someone says, ‘my wife is so untidy’, it leaves room for others to chime in with, ‘mine too!’ or even, ‘oh that’s me, I don’t know how Dave puts up with it.’

Is it an offshoot of gossip? A way to bond with people you’ve been gathered with against your will? You may have nothing else in common with Pauline from accounts but if you both hate your husbands, that’s small talk in the break room, isn’t it?

Let’s say that’s it. Harmless enough, a tool to make friends, but how many times do you need to say something out loud before you start to believe it? How many times do you need to hear something before it becomes the truth?

I was joking with someone about sex the other day and they said, ‘we don’t have sex, we’re married.’ That is so much the message that people truly worry that once they get married, sex is off the table. Most married folks would disagree, and yet - they still might say it. It’s a joke… but everyone kind of believes it. Marriage is the death of a relationship. You see it on the TV, it’s something you hear at work, you assume your parents just had sex that one time. Married people don’t like each other, they’re stuck together.

I could write this same post about children. Rarely do you hear people say positive things about their kids. I get it, they’re difficult, but the stereotype of Mum needing a bottle of wine because the kids are stressing her out is tired.

I wonder if it’s the same elsewhere in the world. We Brits tend to downplay happiness because it’s easier to commiserate than celebrate, but the old American sitcom suggests this is universal. Al Bundy, a man with a beautiful wife, 2 kids and a very nice house was miserable. But maybe that’s what the audience wanted. Company. For her (many) faults, I loved Roseanne because that felt like my house. She felt like my Mum. It seemed as though they actually loved each other and their daily gripes were minor. Married With Children felt like a man on the edge who would happily abandon it all, given the opportunity.

I will say, generationally, it’s improving. I don’t know how it happened but I’m steadily becoming the older person at work. That means there are less of the Boomer voices (no offence, Boomers but you know you’re guilty of this) and more Gen Z. The younger colleagues are pretty complimentary of their partners and much less inclined to talk shit about them as a conversation starter. There’s hope for us yet.

You could say they haven’t had time for the resentment and contempt to set in but I think the real key is that, ‘til death do us part’ is a thing of the past. Marriage rates are declining rapidly and divorce is readily available and accepted. I actually divorced my first husband online in 2009. Not an easy chapter but one that I have reaffirmed to myself, many times over the years, was the worth the pain.

If you are genuinely unhappy, get out. Life is short and no amount of money is worth wasting your remaining years, with someone you really don’t enjoy the company of. Your children will survive and, more than that, you will teach them that they can leave a situation that’s no good for them. But are most marriages unhappy? I don’t think so. I think it’s easier to bond with people over shared misery than joy.

If you’ve ever done any gratitude practice or (and this is woo woo) laughter therapy, you understand the power you have over your emotions. If you remind yourself every day of the things you have, you will be a happier person. If you force yourself to smile or laugh, you send signals to your brain that will actually make you feel the same feelings you would if those actions had been genuine. If you say you hate your partner out loud every day, you may eventually start to believe it.

Words have power. I don’t say negative things about my husband (usually) but I don’t say positive things either. If we all, collectively, stop rolling our eyes when we hear someone gush about their partner or read a sappy IG post, we may be happier people in happier relationships. And more than that, model a better version of marriage for the next generation.